Letting go of preferences: what leadership and English muffins have in common
Recently, my girlfriend made us breakfast before my therapy appointment. It wasn’t anything complicated, just eggs and English muffins, but it was delicious. While sipping my coffee, I watched her butter the muffin (Mean Girls fans, rejoice!) and was very confused. Instead of grabbing a butter knife, she went full corn on the cob style and just…rubbed the butter on the toasted muffin. I was very confused.
Take a moment and think back to a time either at work or at home or with friends where someone did something in a way you thought was perplexing. How did you react? Did you ask them if they wanted help? Did you scold them for doing it wrong? Did you say nothing?”
I can confidently tell you that I was once very much a person who would tell someone they were doing it wrong. “Why would you do it that way? That’s not how it’s done!” Even worse, I would frame it as an act of care: “You’ll get hurt doing it like that.” “If you do it this way it’ll be easier for you in the long run.” Of course, sometimes wanting to show someone the easier way to do something is an act of care: for their time, their energy, their ability to satisfy their needs. Usually though, our criticism isn’t coming from a place of care. It’s coming from a preference.
I prefer to use a butter knife to butter my toast, because honestly that’s just how I’ve always done it (claims to “tradition” are another fickle way we critique how someone completes a task). But just because that’s how I’ve always done it, doesn’t mean it’s the only way to get it done. Similarly, you might always organize your budget spreadsheets with a complex color coding system; but just because that works for you, doesn’t mean it’s how everyone has to do it. Being mindful of our preferences versus providing guidance on best practices is an important part of leading others. But it’s also an important part of building connections with the people in our lives.
I brought up the English muffin thing with my therapist because we were discussing how in the honeymoon phase of any new relationship, we tend to overlook the things that annoy us about the other person. No one wants to admit it, but there are things about the important people in our lives that can be actually annoying. For instance, I have no doubt that my girlfriend is frustrated by my general inability to hang up my coat. I just toss it wherever, partially because my cat likes to lay on it, but mainly because I’m sort of lazy and find it more convenient to have it on my couch or on the floor by my shoes than in my closet. General housekeeping flaws aside, what I realized in the course of chatting with my therapist about the muffin thing was how important it was for me to be able to see, appreciate, and find joy in my girlfriend's approach to buttering toast.
When we immediately criticize someone for not doing something the way we prefer to do it, we shut down the opportunity to authentically connect with them. I could have pointed out the possibility of a butter knife to my girlfriend, and in that moment, caused her to feel self-conscious even while she was doing this incredibly sweet thing for me. Or, I could observe, see what her approach tells me about her, and find joy in understanding how she is different from me. Will I butter my muffins that way in the future? Probably not. But her way of doing things isn’t an imposition on me to do it that way too. It’s a reminder that there are many paths to solving a problem–even when the problem is as simple as how to get butter on toast.
The next time you find yourself observing someone completing a task or solving a problem using a method you wouldn’t, I encourage you to pause and be curious. Why are you so bothered by their approach? What does their approach tell you about how they are thinking through the solution? And lastly, how can you learn from them about alternatives that you can try on your own?
Don’t worry about sounding professional. Sound like you. There are over 1.5 billion websites out there, but your story is what’s going to separate this one from the rest. If you read the words back and don’t hear your own voice in your head, that’s a good sign you still have more work to do.
Be clear, be confident and don’t overthink it. The beauty of your story is that it’s going to continue to evolve and your site can evolve with it. Your goal should be to make it feel right for right now. Later will take care of itself. It always does.
